2:40 PM just wanted to update this, i got back from my dads two days ago! we watched the fifth element during the trip, it was fun! it wasnt as good as i thought, but it was fun (fast pacing kinda killed some of its "world renowned worldbuilding" if i paraphrased correctly)
9:13 PM i do wonder if someone in my family will come across this and read everything... it would be quite the conversation! they'd probably be enamored that i was able to - or rather brave enough to - host all of my thoughts on the internet. i don't really share all of what i do in a digital sense, they just know i draw and write stories (i should share more of those... im being too paranoid about my art >:/) ive had a rather closed in childhood from circumstances that i won't share at the moment, and that led to some other things that are a bit annoying i severely apologize in advance for my mother, bless her heart, but she always wants little to no commotion in my life. that's normal, and she does a really good job doing that, but the scope of that reaches past a couple of lines where it's not strictly necessary? the act of choosing something for dinner. she always wants my input on it, or asks "is that okay?" or something on that caliber. emphasis on always. apart on nights where there's nothing planned and we do a bit of a free for all, i don't remember her not asking anything about it. that kind of confirmation extends to everything! except whatever she *knows* we can do all the time - walking or getting a drink or whatever. and it's just... my god! you are not a butler! you don't need to be hooked onto my mind 24/7! draw conclusions from what you know before and go from there! im exaggerating of course, it's not "helicopter mom" levels of silliness and i hope it doesn't go there. but even when I did talk to her about it? it just keeps going! i don't want to jump to definitive conclusions but maybe she should find the resources necessary to nip whatever is causing this. i don't want to ask her either because i'm afraid it might crop up another can of worms! that sort of "none of that please and thank you" mentality bled over to my mind, and that led me to being all sorts of cautious in my youth you know that phase you had during the early years of your adolesence where you just wanna call the shots and be on a sort of... high horse? there's probably a more eloquent way to say that but that hit hard for me! i didn't go all emo, but i was definitely a bit unbearable :( (i won't say to not look into it as everything is ultimately stored forever in the internet, but you'd be wasting your time, it's nothing remarkable) i grew out of that, but that caution carried over and now i'm afraid i might develop that sort of no conflict mentality too... there's a lot of fear that i have gotten over! but not all of it can be easily jumped over, you know? i have some things that, while not harmful in the long term if public, would definitely cause something to pop up in my circle... and i don't have the emotional experience to confront that. i would just say "to hell with it" and confront it, but that's easier said than done... maybe that can be solved with some therapy? different perspectives? i don't really know! i don't know what to look for on the internet for a surface level second opinion. not that it's all bad though... i have learned to never underestimate how smart someone is. and my good memory might be from making sure i remember every single digit of someone's preferences, every memory we had together, every minute detail of something... it's come in handy for a lot of situations! i just wish that memory extended to more of my short term memory, hahah... definitely won't be getting dementa in my twilight years. my mom's not that bad either. she's really smart! book smarts, street smarts... smart smarts. she taught me a lot of her wisdom, and she's nice to be around. that i will not complain about :D the world could use more people like her... it should have! i'm surprised we don't have more mentally sound people right now! the internet is literally in your pocket, and yet no one ever uses it for good mental help... :/ i could go on but i've run out of things to share right now. i'll be away for a few days to go to my dads (bless his heart too, he's a good man). i need to take a few days away from my computer (^‿^;) if you are in a good relationship with your parents, do give them a call! there's a soul in you that wants to be seen :)
8:30 PM hi! i've been doing a lot better :) i've gotten back into exercising and managing my diet (for once...) so that's going well! contrary to what you may think i am not that slim. yet. in a few months i'll have my physique back about what i said regarding my mark... most of it is still true, but i don't see it in the same light if we are deemed to be important by whoever governs reality then we will be made important, i won't try to complain to the manager or anything... in hindsight it would not be good for me to be made famous, i don't like that much attention and you know? focusing on myself. i was very wrong on ignoring that physically! please do take care of your body... it is much better than what you can get out of digital media :) i've been jogging properly and once i knew how to not focus on my muscles aching it was very euphoric. i feel alive every time i use the treadmill :D life is great. i'll make sure to keep it that way have a good day! (p.s! i forgot to mention but thank you for 1,000 visits :) )
8:01 PM things have been going well these past few weeks... at least physically i have taken up painting for the haunted house but nothing new from that have you ever felt like you were put in the wrong kind of world? where if you stepped out no one would notice? that the world will be the same if you never existed? i like to believe i'm not important, and most people, too, are not important. most of their attempts to be important will fade in a few weeks. even in this age of digital preservation it will just be moot. no one will really care about the little guys in the end. that's just how everything has been these past two decades. that is my perspective on it... and it's taken a large toll on me. i have had no real ambition for the past four years and whenever i do, i realize that i won't make that big of an impact that will last for centuries. is it really worth making your mark if everyone will forget? everything will self destruct as nature deemed us to do. i have considered taking medication but that is just delaying the issue. it never cures it, and when i forget or stop taking it i will just round back to being... whatever. and there's the consideration that i might not even be myself if i do take those medications. i want to stay as i am, even if it means harboring this debilitating downwards spiral. it's not worth focusing on myself either, building a different world. i will come back to this one at some point and, short of going to an insane asylum i will have to participate in everyone else's stupidity (prevalent lack of common sense,,) what point is building a wall if all walls crumble in the end? the fun part is i believe i have a definitive answer to why everyone is so spiteful and hateful. lack of understanding, and deviating from their normal. being weird. spawning immense phobias that do not want to be healed. and yet with this answer i still find myself asking why. they have resources... right? couldn't they have fixed it already? i don't get it. am i even right? im aware that i am coming off as being on a high horse, or vain, or both, but... it's just from an old sense of wanting to be important. those habits do not die easily. i don't die easily. updates will be scarse from loss of motivation but i believe things will be better... and then seesaw back into depressing, back into happiness. up and down. story of my life.
4:54 PM i'm alive! i just didn't think to update this the job at the haunted house is going well, it's just manual labor; carrying wood and deconstructing props and painting it's not a paid thing yet, but the experience i'm getting more than pays for itself (i have overestimated how stressful having a job is, hahah) nothing new at home; nothing much changed from having a job but i have begun amassing items for a costume i'm working on! wizard hat, green cape, white mask, MAGIC STAFF... it's what i've based my avatar on (picture to be posted) it won't be for halloween though, i don't see myself wearing it in public its more of a theraputic detox than anything, something to make me feel more like myself virtual reality withstanding but that's a headache since i have... the oculus quest. ew. i really should've thought ahead with the telemetry. facebook - 1, june - 0 i won't be updating the as frequently since my motivation for it moved somewhere else (noita.) but i'll still throw in the occasional brain dump :>
9:05 AM so... there's an event in OMORI i find to be more viscerally scary than anything in the game this does spoil the story and contains some rather heavy topics, so maybe don't read the following if you're sensitive to it, or haven't played OMORI (i haven't even played it but i read its story and most of its cutscenes/events) there is one part in the game where OMORI is exploring some part of blackspace, i don't know the name of it but it's the one with the sketches of houses there's a value randomly set that determines if you'll see something secret, one of them is from knocking on the houses when you find the right house, you are presented with this image of MARI i've had my fair share of seeing things from mandela catalogue and similar media, i'm more or less jaded at this point that doesn't mean they're not scary, the sheer uncanny valley from Alternates still creep me out (walten files especially, holy shit) but there's nothing more terrifying than seeing the (mostly) unfiltered image of what the event or person looked like you see all of these distorted images of MARI after Sunny starts to finally explore and come to terms with what he did, and when you see that image it sets your brain on fire its the most likely answer to the question "what did Sunny and Basil actually see when they turned around?" and it does not pull its punches it doesn't help that she's *smiling.* i tend to see dreams as a byproduct of the brain collecting everything that happened today, and putting it in a folder so does it make nightmares as a way to dillute the feelings we felt in the moment? a weird form of coping mechanism? if you consider the alternative of "vivid trauma every week" then yeah i think i'll take the nightmares thank you very much this is something i've had on my mind for a week and needed to articulate sorry in advance for the nightmare fuel :)
3:21 PM i think i'll keep this reserved for particularly special events instead of just "blogpost 0.5" that will be for the about me page today's going fine so far, if i don't update this today then nothing notable happened :)
7:25 PM half of the day was spent finangling with the about me page and trying to make it look good. can't get it to look good. how the hell do these guys DO IT. aaaAAAAAAGH. the other half was fine! but nothing note worthy the about me page will forever be in construction... disheartening but frankly this is good enough i can not be assed to add that much flair, this is good enough expression in subtlety and minimalist bullshit right?
7:54 AM OCTOBER. if it was colder i would be very happy... putting aside the fact the wi-fi had a brainfart, and one of the rooms leaked for a bit, i am looking forward to the month :) 9:23 PM my family has a haunted house business, they've been doing it for five years i think? i've asked to work for them and they said yes! it will be a part time thing for twice a week this will be a rather nice stepping stone... if i'm feeling bold enough i might branch off to other things once i get enough experience :D the future is looking bright (or at least my future, the election can go suck an egg)
8:41 AM today - or many, if i need to - will be a break day i'll take a break from coding to let my mind rest, but i'll still jot something down in the diary weather seems to be good here, i got good sleep... i feel like i'll be a happy camper :> 9:27 PM nothing of note happened today, i finally got good at noita (enough to get like 30+ perks without dying) ive hit the point where it's just "perk gameplay loop" so i'm stopping there, i would find the secrets but i did not have the patience for that... i looked them up on the wiki my brain's had enough too, those kinds of long gameplay sessions get to you tomorrow... october. here be the apple cider >:D
9:37 AM woke up feeling moderately refreshed, weather outside is cloudy and dreary :< the dogs don't seem to care though, they're meandering out in the backyard doing what they do best... bark and be messy :) the anxiety of hosting a website's mostly gone, though i can't help but feel worried about people stealing the art (and story) i post here reposting is a guarantee, but if they claim it as their own? hoo boy i would stamp a watermark on it but... ehh, it'd get in the way the art style itself *is* a watermark, so there's no point spilling a drink over it right? i'll just have faith that people won't be an ass and see what happens 3:31 PM just launched the art page and watermark! my calling card is now out in the wild... if i was smart i would do more to solidify the watermark but i'm taking it slow i believe people have either been drawn too deep into AI, or grown up enough to not take everything as their own property everything's fine on the art department no clue about writing though, that's a big uncertainty. with art you have an easier time knowing who drew it compared to writing i am prepared for people to yank concepts and the creativity from my writing, hopefully skewered in a way that's mostly unique i may be worrying over nothing though, we'll see 9:50 PM finally figured out how to separate text without line breaks! that was getting rather annoying to manage... i've been hyperfixated on Noita for the past week, and i have been binging it when i have freetime (and free time to not let my mind goof off) that game is not forgiving, hahah i am excited for october... and some actual fall weather. come on, summer. stop rearing your head and lemme soak in the cool cozy weather >:c
4:48 PM i am already very intimidated with everyone else's websites... they're so pretty and indepth! i felt tempted to grab some of their code and make a frankenstein of a website, BUT i want to lay everything out in a barebones manner before i get too ambitious you don't learn anything if you only grab the meat of a sandwich y'know? i'm not discouraged though, i'm going to treat this whole thing as a strudy bansai tree unpolished, barren, but with enough time... it will blossom into something truly unique :) it's just a matter of how patient and willing i am to charge through all the headaches. that's definitely a game changer. 4:55 PM the amount of people viewing this website is also very intimidating and exciting! i expected to have 20 or so people see this, not 185! (9:39 PM edit - i realized most of them may be web crawlers... but still) but i do appreciate you taking the time out of your day to view my mess... even if there's not a lot of substance :> 8:14 PM clair de lune has stuck out as the only song that will make me... stop and reflect. really reflect on how long i lived and the circumstances - especially the circumstances - that led me to where i am now. for several years, i've always kept to myself due to how i did and thought through things differently, partially because it was weird! and the multiple times i tried to socalize through, say, multiplayer games for example? there were some mean assholes that really... stunted the value of making new friends. im sure 70% of my generation experienced the same thing, the internet was really starting to blossom (for worse, considering the BS with AI and 2020) and that led to a whole lot of rancorous arguements that's how i saw it anyway so it's an incredible, personal achievement that i am willing to dump my thoughts out in a relatively small part of the internet, for people i will never meet, to read at a whim. there's a certain futility to it, as i may get a better... reaction? result? if i started rambling about my thoughts in real life. it could be equated to... dumping books in the ocean. but i am seeing this as baby's first steps! someday i'll really get out and *brain dump* all that i am passionate about, with no regard for how weird it may be, or how much context it needs, in the real world. frankly? with how everyone wants to squeeze everything out of the industry and whatever... life's too cruel and short to be keeping to yourself! i want to *draw* and *speak*, make myself look and feel better! this depressing atmosphere has gone on for long enough! it's time we hop over the stone and make life ours. but the process will be slow. there's weights and baggage i need to drop before i can commit to it... and there's a lot of baggage. unrestricted access to the internet can really mess you up. i hope i have enough time to tackle this in the next few months... or enough sense to ask for help
